Femme By Default

So as I'm wandering the blogosphere, avoiding the job search, I come across this post by Sinclair and then SublimeFemme's response to it. Both, at the end, ask about us, as femmes. What are our femme markers, and along the same lines, how do we define them? Do we define them in relation to butch? How do we define femme for ourselves, and in what ways do our bodies or sexuality shape that femme-ness?

All very good questions, to be sure. And then I had a moment wherein I realized: I have no fucking clue. I have no fucking clue and it's driving me up the wall. How do I define my femme self? What about me makes me femme? It should be an easy question to answer, because I'm like Princess Psychoanalystica, especially when it comes to the workings of my own twisted brain. Yes, I do find myself that fascinating and I know it's narcissistic, thanks very much.

Every time I try to think about it, I shy away. I try to treat it like my partner treats butch: "This is what I am. If people don't like it they can fuck off. That's all there is to it." (Yes, that's a direct quote. I love my Ferret.) The thing is, that's how she handles almost everything; introspective she's not, as a rule. And I can't work that way. I have to think about everything, take it down to its component parts, analyze it, toss out a couple extra springs, and then reassemble it all before I'm satisfied. When I have an opinion, make a major decision, or claim a new 'label' for myself, this is what I do. 

But I didn't do that when I claimed 'femme'. I just kind of thought, "Okay, this is my partner, who's undeniably butch. I'm not a butch, or not as much as she, and I seem to have all the femme markers (which at that point to me were: long hair, acknowledgement of boobs, girly undies, and the willingness to wear a skirt sometimes). Femme it is!" I applied Sinclair's Dress-Up Test to the dynamic and called it good. Keep in mind, this was several years ago. I'd just been introduced to the idea of butch/femme. 

Shortly after this, Ferret and I split up, to go our seperate ways. We would not be lovers for a good four years. For two of those years, we wouldn't even speak to each other. Obviously, we reconciled our differences and now you couldn't part the two of us without a really big crowbar. Uh, metaphorically.

So now we've been together for some time. I've not been in any butch/femme relationships in that time. In fact, I tended to be slightly 'butch-er' when I was with another woman, and I wasn't all "high heels and low cleavage" with a guy. I've become "femme-by-default", and I don't know 

just what i consider my markers to be, or how I define myself as femme, other than in relation to my very butch Ferret.

Which disturbs me. I want to be femme on my own, not just because I'm with someone who needs me to be, so we balance out. It doesn't bother me to be the femme, I don't think. I just have to know I have my own reasons for doing it. So now I have to figure out what they are.

I need to identify my femme-ness and work out my issues with being one of them (you? us?).

Sadly, this post feels like "exploring my angst", and not so much about "coming to productive conclusions". Oh well, maybe that'll come later.

PS: I'm working on a post about women and symbolism. Check it out when it goes up (sometime soon!); it'll either be really cool and possibly a little original, or it'll be some half-baked random crap! It's a mystery!

Link Roundup

Yes, I'm doing that thing known as a link-cluster, a big ol' orgy of links.
... Ok, so it's not a metric ton of new hyperlink-y goodness, but I'm working on it. Check em out anyway.

IMPORTANT: Cara writes about Amy Goodman's arrest and why you should care. A lot. So, by the way, do a lot of other folks. Does anyone else feel like it's an Orwellian morning? In 1984?

SCARY: This is a 'joke site' putting girls up for sale- as long as you marry 'em! Snopes.com has confirmed that it's not real, but there are people out there who'd probably try to use it, and quite a few of 'em are in the States. Also, the reminder of 'foreign brides' and sex-trafficked women ruined my breakfast cinnamon roll.

QUEER: The lovely SublimeFemme has a post responding to an Annoyed Lesbian who's bemoaning the abundance of Butch/Femme types in NYC. Oh, the horror!

USEFUL: How not to be "That Guy", by synechdochic. I need to print this and throw copies of the roof of a high building.

NEW AND SPIFFY: I just found another feminist blog that seems to be pretty neat. Lots of political stuff, of course. What did we do before this election?

MORE QUEER: Sinclair's new post on femme identity made me think about how I identify. What makes me a femme? ...still thinking on that one.

ON ROE: A doctor's story of the days pre-Roe v. Wade, which brings the point home again that making abortion illegal won't stop it from being performed. It will do nothing but cause more death and pain. I thought it was a necessary and important thing to keep in mind.

Okay kids, that's my first try at a blogaround/ link roundup of random stuff. Feel free to leave your links in comments!

A Congressman's Response (redux)

NOW! with more hope and less confusion! (emphasis still mine)

Dear Ms. [Lemur],

Thank you for contacting my office concerning the proposed new Health and Human Services regulations regarding birth control. I appreciate hearing from you on this important issue and I welcome the opportunity to respond.

As you may know, this regulation would establish a new definition of abortion. There is a risk that this new definition could confuse certain contraception, including birth control, with abortion. It is possible under these new regulations that women may be discouraged or blocked from receiving birth control from federally funded health care entities.

I firmly believe that a woman's personal decisions about her body and her health are her own to make. Access to prescribed contraception is a legal right in the United States and important in preventing unintended pregnancies, family planning, and treating medical conditions such as endometriosis and irregular cycles. Please be assured that I will continue the fight for measures that protect women's health.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact my office. I sincerely appreciate your input and hope that you will contact me in the future if I can be of further assistance. Additionally, I hope you'll find my website (www.klein.house.gov) a useful resource for keeping up with events in Washington and the 22nd District of Florida.

Sincerely,

Ron Klein
Member of Congress

ETA:
Okay folks, having RE-read this letter, I realize I've been a bad blogger and did not fact check. Bad Lemur, no cookie. I assumed Congressman Klein was behind the proposal in the first place, because I wrote to him objecting to it. Nope, not true. I tried to see who was behind it and couldn't find a particular person. (Maybe HHS is just one big multibrained entity.) Anyway, not Klein. He got my letter because he's (was) my particular Congressman, is all. Actually, it turns out he's not a bad guy, for a politician anyway.

So yeah, this letter actually makes a lot more sense now. My apologies to Ron Klein, and anyone having the misfortune to read this post.
I will be accepting thumps upside the head, and will be more careful in the future.
Sorry, guys!

Teh Move, Teh Trauma

I moved. A thousand miles, 2 days, 1 car, 2 kitty sedatives, and 1 trailer unloading later, we are here. Other than the fact that my bed won't fit through the downstairs doorway, meaning we have to sleep on the futon, everything's going about like I thought. Fortunately we're not planning to stay here long.

...I hate when things are disorganized. Bah.
I need a drink.
That is all.