Art Is A Hammer

So I was thinking about this random quote: "Art is not a mirror. Art is a hammer." And I was thinking about art. And Ivan E. Coyote. At the same time. Cause I'm good like that. I discovered Ivan via Sugarbutch, and zie- this is a good person for nonspecific pronouns- is just brilliant. Amazing. I think every femme has her list of butch heartbreakers, and mine generally involves intellectuals. I mean, I can't discount k.d. lang or Dylan Rion, but my heart (and uh, any other regions) throbs for brainy butches: Rachel Maddow, Alison Bechdel and of course, studly genius Sinclair Sexsmith. So there's this video of this edible and nutritious butch, reading a short story with quite the Canadian accent (is there a word for that?). I have never heard that much Yukon in one person's voice before. And zie's reading about the methods and difficulties of packing, and I nearly swooned right there in front of my monitor-not to mention in front of my fiancee. I was entranced.

And this was before I was even really aware of hir words. And I had to start the video over, and actually listen to it (did you know blushing makes it hard to concentrate? I didn't). And hir writing is... warm. It's funny, and accessible, and sometimes a little wistful, and I savored it. I went to the library and read The Slow Fix, which was all the library had, and when I was done I wanted more.

Zie's writing about Canada, and often about solitude; I should be cold, shivery and lonely (I'm a rather empathic reader) when I'm done, but I'm not. I'm warm and as I read I'm smiling . It's like hearing stories about my family, and since many of hir stories describe being gay in a not-very-post-homophobic world, in a way it is.

Zie describes hirself as a "kitchen-table storyteller", and that's exactly what it is. And I love it.

I enjoy being taken by surprise by art. I was taking a class in Florence and one day, we went to an art gallery. "Cezanne in Firenze"; Impressionist art. Heretofore I'd always thought of Impressionism as 'pretty'. Monet, Van Gogh. Starry Night, Water Lilies, all that jazz. And then at some point while I was wandering around absorbing these paintings... I changed my mind.

The color, the strokes of the brush, the way you can tell how the artist was feeling about the subject or the day or the paints just from the damn painting! -it just blew my fucking mind. I stayed for two hours, I spent my lunch and dinner money on a book of the exhibition's art, I couldn't stop talking on the way home. I was wired, like I'd had an adrenaline orgasm and a pot of espresso. I was on fire, it was a revelation. I was thunderstruck by Impressionist art.

I know there're some people that don't feel the same fiery passion for their spouses that I can feel about art, or sex, or teaspooning against injustice, or sometimes even discussions of philosophy. (Yes, I'm serious.) And I am sorry for those people.

And I guess the point of all this is that Ivan E. Coyote's work didn't hit me like a hammer. And I was okay with that. As I read, it opened itself like a window, it wrapped around me like a blanket, it felt good under my hands like a leash or a steering wheel, like it wasn't going to take me anywhere I didn't want to go.

Something I know is that people revere classics, but they read stories. I feel as though I have found a friend in this author, and when the world is sad and scary I'd rather have a blanket than a hammer.

And Stay Out!

So I am feeling cranky today. Having had a week of period-induced mood swings and being banned from the computer after I read the news on Shakesville and broke down sobbing, I was looking forward to some Halloween fun. And there was some fun- I got to tie-dye my underwear, and be a really cute Velma! (These two facts really aren't related.)

Ferret and I were looking forward to going to the Halloween party at Local Gay Bar, checking out costumes, having a drink, and watching the drag show. One of the performers is a friend of ours, and we always like seeing her work. Unfortunately, it turned out to be not so fun. It was so crowded the Fire Marshal would have fainted, and so full of cigarette smoke our eyes started to water as soon as we stepped in. But we were determined to have a good time. There were some great costumes, good performance, plus we paid the cover charge, dammit! I was hoping to stick it out to see the costume contest, but we finally gave up and headed out. As we fought our way out, we heard the emcee say, "How many lesbians we got up in here?" [cheer] "Now how many gay boys?" [cheer] "And where are the straight people?" [really loud cheer].

Yup. The straight people outnumbered the queers in the one gay bar in town. And maybe it's my hormones, but that really bugged me. I try, I really do, to be inclusive. And I want everyone to get along. And I feel kind of... mean saying this, but:

Dear Straight People: EVERY OTHER BAR IN TOWN is for you. But hey, thanks a bunch for crowding me and my partner out of the one club we feel comfortable in because you want a cheap thrill on Halloween. Hey, you know what? The drag performers don't just do this on Halloween. They do it all the time. It's their thing. You can come see it even when you aren't in a costume. You can come see it even if you're sober. Yeah. But you'd know that, if you weren't all jerks. By the way, fuck you.

See? That's mean, right? But it's how I feel. There're never that many straight people there on a regular night, and there definitely isn't that level of binge-drunk stupidity.

Maybe if it hadn't been so crowded as to be the opposite of fun I wouldn't be bitching so much. Maybe. Maybe if there was that kind of crowd, with that percentage of non-queers, all the time, it would be different. Maybe I wouldn't feel like my community was made into a tourist attraction for one night. Maybe I wouldn't feel like my space had been taken over and appropriated. Maybe if there was more of a visible gay community, I wouldn't feel like this place is really all we have. Maybe if, I reiterate, every other bar in town wasn't a "regular" (meaning "for straight people" bar), this wouldn't be a big deal for me. Maybe.

Great. I feel angry, and I feel like an exclusionary bigot at the same time.

Oh well, next weekend it'll be back to normal.

Happy Halloween.

(By the way, if I go into the grocery store tonight and hear a bunch of cross-wearing preppies talking excitedly about their "Sam-hane night ritual", you'll see me on the news. I'll be the one in handcuffs.)

I really have no patience with anyone, do I?

Good Dyke Porn Is Good

I was thinking of that timeless lyric: "Hey fellas (yeah?)/fellas (yeah?)/Grab your left nut and make your right one jealous/"... and decided it needs a lolcat response. And a porn review to go with it. So, here!

Ha! Yes doodz, you now have to grab your own harbls... er nuts.

(Wait, does that even make sense? More importantly, do I care about the sense it does[n't]make?)

It ties in, though: straight folks should be jealous, whether they have nuts or not. I'm not sure they can appreciate this porn of queer fabulousness.

Okay, so maybe watching this awesome porn has got me in a weird, funky, freaky-ass mood. One might even call me Supafly. Or not.

Really, though, how can you not love a porn called "Superfreak" that involves the horny ghost of Rick James (portrayed spifftastically by the director, who is in fact a lady)? Well, maybe you can resist. I couldn't.

Yes, I found some feminist, lesbian, not-for-het-dudes porn, and all I can say is... I'll be in my bunk. Oh, and Dylan Rion can jump my freaky bones any day.

What? I'm a kinky little sex-obsessed perv in my spare time. And by "spare", I mean "all the".

Glad I could share that with you all.

On Weddings

So I've been thinking a lot about weddings lately, partly as a way of avoiding thinking about marriage. When I think about marriage I not only have that nervous fear of "can I handle my lover's dirty socks for the rest of our lives?" but also anger at things like power of attorney, insurance coverage, and taxes. So why then would I be thinking about marriage? I'm unmellow enough as it is, yeah?

Because, finally, my ever-fabulous Ferret and I have decided on a date for our wedding. It's months away and it's driving me crazy already. I'm thinking about flowers and food and guests and budgets. I'm rolling my eyes at my own descent into madness: as I make lists and consider aesthetics, I'm a stressed-out combination of classic femme and professional organizer (which is what I am, after all).

I've been not-so-jokingly saying we should elope- weddings are a waste of time and money, they're heterosexist and patriarchal, and who the hell needs to deal with seating arrangements and froufrou when all you really want is a party, followed by a vacation (and at some point in there, lots of sex).

My Ferret changed my mind when I asked her in all seriousness why we didn't just do it and save time, money and stress. She simply replied, "I love you. I want to be with you for always, and I want the world to know it."
And I realized: I want that too.
…I hate when she's right. Damn crafty ferret logic.

That is it: the real and necessary reason behind the ceremony and celebration. All that fuss, all the energy expended and arrangements made and time and money spent and relatives gathered; it's because this is an important moment. I know lots of people still think of this as a coming-of-age rite. I have my doubts about that, knowing lots of single grownups and immature married folks. But either way, committing to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is a big deal. And all the hoopla is there to tell you and the world that this is important. You've found your love, your life, your partner, and it matters. At least that's how it seems to me.

So when people are less than enthused when I announce my upcoming nuptials, it's hard not to take it personally. My father still hasn't said anything to me at all yet- I thought "congratulations" at least should be a no-brainer. My mother is the one who told me she wasn't sure my father would want to walk me down the aisle.
I have no intention of being "given away"- I'm not a possession, and getting married makes me no less my own person. But it feels like I am blazing a new path here, and I'd like to be able to cling to some traditions as familiar landmarks. (Hey, some we're losing. Fuck that toss-the-bouquet nonsense.)
But to hear that my own father doesn't want to participate in one of the more significant events in his daughter's life; to hear, as I do in my mother's voice, that my parents don't share in my excitement and happiness- it makes me wonder. It makes me reconsider the whole thing. I do have a good relationship with my parents and thought they were used to the idea that their one and only girlchild wasn't going to make that walk with a dude. Now I'm not so sure.

If they can't share in this with me and be as happy about my wedding as they are about, say, my brother's, then what is the point?

…having just typed that, I know that I am lucky that my parents didn't disown, assault, or evict me when they found out (which makes me angry that that happens at all), but that doesn't mean I feel any better about what I perceive as their rejection of the validity of my relationship.

And then I think, fuck 'em. The people who really love me and Ferret for who we are, all we are, will be behind us. We have people who will share this with us. If anybody "isn't comfortable" with us (have you noticed that usually means "I'm homophobic but won't admit it"?), then they can stay away. More cake for the rest of us. I want no one at my wedding who is not a true friend.

Okay, I'm done ranting for now- I have to go look at lacy things and flowers on theknot.com.

Holy crap, Iowa!

Iowa! Yes, Iowa! Not-very-far-from-us Iowa!
...has legalized same-sex marriage!

Hoo-fuckin-ray!
I'm so happy I don't know what to say, except hell yeah, it's about time!
This means that the Heartland is starting to fall. Oh noes, (gasp) Progressivism!
Hopefully by the time the conservo-wingnuts are able to protest, everything'll have settled down and people will realize the sky hasn't fallen.
Although you'd think people could look at Massachusetts (and Canada, and Sweden, etc.) and take note of the fact that their major cities aren't in flames, FFS.

But anyway... Iowa! By unanimous vote! And Vermont too, by the way.
...Bwa ha ha...Today Iowa, tomorrow the world!
(Sorry. Couldn't help it.)

Now I am going to grab my Ferret and start MapQuestin'. Cause, hey, you never know when the urge for a road trip may strike.

Mazel tov everyone!

Schizo-femme-ia

So I got to thinking the other day. I was walking through Wal-Mart (I hate that place with a fucking fiery passion), and I saw a butch. An older lady, with her partner, which was a really nice thing to see. Yes. Butch sighting in the WalMart! Now those make my day any time, but more so here in this town where apparently you keep your 'mo on the down-low. So as she was walking by, I thought: I love when I recognize a member of the Family. But... how would they recognize me? If she heard me say "Day-um!" under my breath (I did, too), would she take it as a compliment or think I was just another uppity breeder? 

I have issues about my personal visibility because there are so many factors. (I have so many issues, I should just buy the subscriptions, but anyway.)

For one, I don't want to brodcast my identity to everyone because, well, I'm still not comfy being gay in this town. I still worry, and it makes me mad that I have to worry about losing clients or assholes accosting me, but there it is. Hell, it was a major personal triumph when I put a small rainbow decal on my car! 

Then, too, I'm sort of... in the middle when it comes to gender expression. I'm certainly not high femme, like the lovely SublimeFemme. But I'm also not butch, like the studly Sinclair. I'm a- Ellen said it perfectly: "I'm not really a lipstick lesbian. I'm more of a... Chapstick lesbian." Sometimes I feel like I'm not recognizable as much of anything. Someone tell me, is it just me? Do any other queer girls wish for a box, a label, a knowable and noticeable archetype, or even a stereotype? Anybody else wonder sometimes whether things would be different-- easier-- if you were a different flavor? Something simple like say, mint chocolate, instead of cherry-banana-vanilla-mocha-walnut? 

What the hell is a Practical Femme to do? 

So that's my issue for the week, kittens. I worry about not looking femme enough. I worry about looking too butch. I worry about being too visible as gay, and not visible enough.

And then my partner asks me why it is I get so stressed. 

Is it just me?

It Breaks My Heart

So I was going to post Part 2 next, and I will, but I wanted everyone who reads my blog- yeah, all 3 of you- to see this video, via Feministe and Shakesville. I cried like a baby and I wish there was a way to make everyone watch it. I'ma go post it on myspace, facebook, anywhere I've carved out a piece of the 'Net for myself. I want to marry my Ferret someday and I hope that when we decide to, we'll be able to.







"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Privilege-Shock

So I got an interesting wake-up call the other day. My Ferret and I have been apartment-hunting for the last few weeks or so and we finally found one we liked. The landlord was a friendly, good-natured guy and we were in the process of signing the lease, when he checked her work reference and came out of the other room with a... well, a look on his face. My Ferret is quite butch and she gets mistaken for a dude all the time. Our landlord-to-be had made the same assumption and finally figured it out, and he was- I think the word is flummoxed. 

We'd already made it quite clear that we were a couple, and he was having trouble reconciling the nice, normal couple he thought we were with the people his church and political views say are Bad. I could almost see his thoughts swirling.

He was nice about it- just said some things about being surprised, stammered a bit, made reference to he and his wife being all Christian and Republican. I told him so are most of my clients, as well as Ferret's family, and asked him, straight-up, if this was going to be a problem. 

He said it wasn't a problem, for him, personally. I'm not sure what that meant, and I'm still a little wary.

I'm pretty sure it's federally illegal to deny someone housing on the basis of sexual orientation (can someone tell me if I'm right about that?), but hell, I'm not going to live where I'm not wanted. I had a file full of other options in my computer.

 

The thing is- his surprise surprised me.  I generally treat being gay as no big deal, and assume others will too. This is partially because to do anything else would be to admit to the Othering that society wants to do to me, and partially because that's how I've always done it: where I come from it IS no big deal. In SoFlo, there were pockets of rightwingers and fundies, but mostly it's considered declasse' to raise a ruckus if someone mentions that they're gay.

Apparently, not so much the rule here in the MidWest. I have the feeling most of the people in this town have never met a gay couple, much less seen them interact like any other couple does. I know there are indeed gay folks here, but I haven't seen many, and I'm told they're "very discreet", which I think is straight-speak for "they know their place and don't make us nervous by being open or acting like actual couples".

Ferret- well, if people don't assume she's a dude, they kinda just jump to "dyke", which saves a lot of dancing around. She's as open as I am, with the "if they don't like it, fuck 'em" mentality. It's pretty rare that anyone tries to mess with her anyway.  

 I know I have white privilege, able privilege, and passing-for-straight privilege. This is the first time I'd realized: I had "location privilege". Just someone being taken aback by us, much less maybe-resistant to us renting from him, shook me. What must it be like for so many other gays, trapped in the heart of the Bible Belt, or ultrareligioconservative towns or families? Without support or a place to be open about themselves? What must it be like to hide who you are, all the time?

I chose not to hide. I'm proud of who I am and playing the Pronoun Game gives me a headache anyway. But I didn't realize how easy life made it for me to choose, how lucky I was to have that choice at all. It all makes me very uncomfortable, and sometimes it makes me wish I was back in South Florida.

Narrow, Reactionary and Judgemental

And today, folks, I'm talking about me. Because I did something I've never done before: cut off someone who used to be a friend on a philosophical difference. And I feel like shit about it. I've always been of the opinion that if someone is a good friend, agreement isn't always necessary. I have a friends who disagree with me on politics, religion; I'm friendly with an ex who regards my feminist standpoints with (highly irritating) amusement; hell, even my Ferret doesn't see eye to eye with me on the importance of proper moisturizing. But we can work it out, it's cool. 

The thing is, I also realized, being my friend also implies some inherent assumptions: you think I'm as good as everybody else, you think I'm fully human and worthy, and you care about my well-being. 

And today, someone I thought was an IRL friend wrote a blog entry about Prop 8 and gay civil rights that smashed all those fragile and carefully-held assumptions I'd clung to so stubbornly, and it was just the end. 

Let no one say I can't cite my sources for outrage. Here're some quotes:

"...LGBT's are gonna be shoving this down our throats for the next six months to a year until they get their way."

"I honestly don't care about same-sex marriage. It doesn't effect me, and if it were up to me, sure, let 'em enjoy all the trials and tribulations of marriage. Because life is just so much better when you do your taxes with your hump-buddy, and when breaking up involves a divorce lawyer on top of looking for an apartment and deciding who gets to keep the Barbara Streisand CD's."

"Like I said, I don't really care enough either way. What I disagree with is that they KEEP PUSHING FOR IT. ...Seriously. It's been denied in almost every state, in arenas both political and judicial, denied by the Supreme Court, Congress, and countless other institutions that this country's system of government relies on to make decisions. It's been proposed. In most cases, it's been shut down. Just move to Maryland and get over it."

:It's just part of the growing trend of "Things are only good if we (whoever we happen to be at the time) get our way" I see in this country. And I honestly see it as the beginning of the end of America."

Oh, and there's more. When I fired off a seriously angry reply (and he knew I would read it and reply), there was more. My reply wasn't exactly mature, thoughtful, and considered- observe my wrath.

"There is so much wrong with this entry I almost don't know where to start. But how about here: dumbass, "majority rules" isn't how our government actually works. If I hear one more asshole talk about 'judges legislating from the bench', I'll scream. Fucktard, the majority should not be allowed to decide on rights for minorities. For one, that's fucked up. Nobody should be allowed to decide someone's civil rights. For another, it never works; the majority is incapable of making decisions that benefit anything other than itself. "The majority" didn't end segregation. The Supreme Court did. And by the way, unless you are a member of an oppressed minority of second-class citizens- which you aren't- you don't have the fucking right to tell that group to get over it. ... Just because you've never experienced what they have, or don't understand it, doesn't mean it's invalid. 

...Now, YOU are perfectly free to marry the person you love; hell, you can marry some random stranger in Vegas, as long as she has a vagina. But I can't marry the person I love. THAT is fucked up. A bunch of people who don't know me deciding whether I'm worthy enough to be treated like a whole human being? THAT is the beginning of the end of America. So no, getting over it ISN'T A FUCKING OPTION!, you libertarian asshole.
So yes, I am EXTREMELY pissed off at you for this. And hey, thanks for saying you "don't care" either way. That's real generous of you, pal. You know, you have gay friends, but you couldn't just be supportive of them, oh no. You had to be a complete dick about the lack of civil rights for a group you know nothing about. You're really not as astute as you think you are.
Shithead.

So yeah, lots of anger, but it doesn't mean I was wrong. And you'd think he wouldn't have the audacity to defend himself... nope. So this is my blog therapy, folks; I'm gettin' allll my rage out. Here's his reply, and OUR (double-barrelled) mean, angry blog-sponse to it. My comments are in blue, and in a wacky spurt of angry guest-blogging, please observe my Ferret's bitchy comments in yellow:

"Alright... let's cover ground I've covered before. You are not being denied a righ [sic]. 

Oh, well then! I feel much better now! 

Wait a second: life liberty and the pursuit of happiness- you sure none of these rights are being violated?

 You are bound by the laws of the country you live in.

Newsflash: not now nor ever has "law" and "good" ever been entirely synonymous. 

In this country (in most states, anyway), Sodomy (defined as anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex, copulation of any kind with the same sex, see above. and/or bestiality) is illegal.  

Because straight couples get arrested for having anal or oral sex all the time.

 Also, in this country, a marriage isn't considered to be legally viable unless it is consumated (involving copulation with one's partner). 

Uh, how will they know? Big Brother is watching? 

Thus, to legalize gay marriage, and to allow those marriages to be considered legally viable, every gay couple that got married would have to be fined or arrested under decency code laws. Or people would be allowed to marry their dogs. 

Aw come on, not that bullshit again. Even the fundies have started to let go of that. 

Exactly how many laws and/or world-wide recognized definitions of words do you want them to change just so you can file your taxes together? 

Just the one, as far as I can tell. 

Worldwide? Last I checked, Christianity (and its definition of marriage) rules less than a third of the human population.

The bottom line is, there are plenty of places in the world (and even a few in America) that gays and lesbians CAN get married, with all benefits thereof. Yeah? La-dee-fuckin-da. Blacks had their own drinking fountains, yet they weren't satisfied. Hmmm... Yeah, she's being nicer than I would.

"But I don't want to move, I want them to change the law everywhere." That doesn't seem in the least bit selfish to you? 

Uh no, it seems like federal equality. Call me selfish. You mean, wanting my civil rights is selfish? How about you move instead? Like to Hell's Waiting Room.

Making phone calls, writing letters, and marching in parades takes little-to-no dedication. Moving to a different state (or in extreme cases, a different country) does.

Read as: "Move away, so I don't have to think about or be responsible to the people I'm helping to disenfranchise".

Wait, so I can try to change the law for everyone's equal rights, or just move? Which is easier again?

 That is why Democracy is an inherently flawed system, and how it leads to a nation-state with the "gimmies". It no longer takes dedication, it takes finding enough people who agree with you to make the news (or to make lawmakers uncomfortable).

And that doesn't take dedication? As though all you have to do is go out and say, 'Hi. Sign this.' at random and suddenly all the laws change. 

And you know we wouldn't want the poor lawmakers to be uncomfortable.

From there, it's just a series of "gimmies". Once the people realize that they don't have to leave their country to get a government they like, the ship is sinking fast. 

Yeah, how dare people think America should have a government that treats everyone equally?

I'm sorry, I snoozed through that part. It sounded like "blah blah, blah blah, I'm always right, blah blah selfish welfare people, blah blah my penis blah". Did I miss anything?

And seriously, being treated like a "whole person"? Marriage is a tax break, nothing more. Uh, really? Are we using the same dictionary? If you need a piece of paper to tell you that you love the person you're with, there are a lot more problems than the political system here. 

Someone graduated from Deliberately Obtuse University, with a major in Missing The Point.
Yes, there are other benefits to marriage, oh really?? ya think?? such as insurance policies that extend to one's spouse, undisputed legal entitlement to inheritance, etc. But those laws CAN be changed easily, and already have been in many states. 

And HOW much in paperwork and legal fees does that require, again? While straights can just get a marriage license?

In most of the U.S. it's now possible to name a domestic partner, or ANYONE, for that matter, as a beneficiary. 

Uh-huh. Sure, pal. Cause separate-but-equal has worked SO well in the past.
...
 In closing, I've said it a thousand times before, but I'll say it again here: An unbiased opinion is the ONLY valid and viable opinion. [insert mad cackling laughter here] By being a member of a minority group, one's opinion on the treatement of that minority group is inherently and unavoidably biased. 

Yes, because the majority's opinion of the treatment it receives is totally unbiased. Sounds like Fallacious Logic, 101. 

A neutral party is the only one who can offer a clear-headed, unbiased opinion. Oh, like yours, you mean?

And like I've said, MULTIPLE times, if it were up to me, a neutral party,hey I was right, he did mean himself! gay marriage would be legal.

 Oh, thank you! Cause I need your approval. No, really.

 If it were up to me, a LOT of things in the legal system would be different. Carrot Top for President! But they're not. 

Awww, come on. Nobody likes a pouter. 

And they're the way they are because the legal system that defines this country has declared it as such. 

Again with "law" always being the same as "the right thing". You gotta let go of that. 

You get gay marriage when I get the right to kill drug dealers. Getting married and playing God aren't the same.  Sound fair? 

No, not really. What did that have to do with anything?

And you're right, I do have gay friends. 

Well, you have a few less after this post, I bet. Asshole.

I also have friends that do drugs, and think they should be legalized. I don't think the laws should be changed for them, either. 

Did you just seriously compare gay marriage to drug use? Really? REALLY?? 

 There's a difference between being supportive and changing your views on a subject simply because you're friends with someone who doesn't agree with you. 

You're right. There is. But there's a bigger difference between not agreeing with someone and not understanding why they deserve the SAME friggin' civil rights as everyone else. So we can't be friends. I'm sorry. 

I'm not!

Wow, this turned out to be a really long post. Congratulations, anyone who got to the end! 

So, I'm feeling angry and guilty and maybe also angry about my guilt, and now I'm all typed out. Any thoughts?

SNTDBIDW: Blamin' the Black Folks

I co-opted the title of this post from one of my favorite concepts at Shakesville: Shit Not To Do Because It Doesn't Work, a PortlyDyke creation.

Have you guys seen this? Renee sounds a little annoyed, and I don't blame her. It seems that a lot of folks in the liberal blogosphere- GLBT and feminist and both- are blaming the seemingly large amount of POCs in Cali that voted The Suckiest Prop Ever into being. Apparently ALL black people are this huge monolithic hivemind (like feminists) and apparently there are NO gay black people. Oh and NO black Republicans, or Evangelicals that just happen to be black, or... yeah. See?

C'mon, guys. Not cool. Can we stop? I know, this Prop is the most awful thing I've come across in my (admittedly short) political-watching career, and I know laying blame is a really attractive thought. Hell, this is so fucked up, I wanna blame SOMEbody. I'm trying really hard not to go find the nearest Mormon and slap 'em, since the Church of JC of LDS in Utah financed a big chunk of this. 

But I'm trying to remember that all the members of a certain group cannot be held responsible for what some or even most or its members choose to believe or do. Once we start working that way, how are we any better?

I want us- LGBTs and allies, black or white or whatever you are- to keep our sense of community and our sense of hope. Turning on each other does us no good, especially now when hope and morale are low. It's the last thing we need.

Are we done? Can we all start picking up pieces for the next round of fighting for our rights now? 

The Good, the Bad, and teh Gay Rights

I'm taking a break from this break to post about the elections and all that jazz. First, Obama yay! I'm so happy and so relieved. I don't have to move to Canada! AND I live in a house full of Republicans. I was doin' the Happy Dance! 

Now the bad... Prop 2 passed in FL. This isn't going to be good for anyone. Gays, straight couples just living together, elderly "roomates"... I'm hoping this shit gets overturned because it's ridiculous. 

And also, it's looking like Prop 8 in Cali is going to pass as well. And I don't get it. How can you take someone's rights away? Does this mean all the gay marriages done there in the past year are null and void? How can people do this?

...But at least we have a Democratic president. I have hope. I have hope, now- that these things, as fucked-up as they are, are just  temporary setbacks on the road to equality and total citizenship. 

Yeah, Conservos, fear my fuckin' agenda. I wanna marry my partner and have some health insurance, maybe buy a house. We might even... get a dog. Shit yeah, your marriage is in trouble now- we're fuckin' it up for you, just by being so damn GAY and CUTE and shit. 

Sorry... had a cranky moment. Okay, I'm going back on vacation for a while now. My Ferret is in need of some hugs. Okay, folks, do the happy dance, rejoice, and get Obama's feet in the fire on getting us our rights! ...Oh, and read this poem, from one of the posters at Shakesville- it's all hopeful-like. We need some more hope. 

Sometimes by Sheenagh Pugh

Sometimes things don’t go, after all,

from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel

faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don’t fail.

Sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war,

elect an honest man, decide they care

enough, that they can’t leave some stranger poor.

Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best intentions do not go

amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.

The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow

that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.

Both Woo and Hoo!

Conneticut has legalized same-sex marriage!

Connecticut’s Supreme Court ruled Friday that same-sex couples have the right to marry, making that state the third behind Massachusetts and California to legalize such unions.

The divided court ruled 4-3 that gay and lesbian couples cannot be denied the freedom to marry under the state constitution, and Connecticut’s civil unions law does not provide those couples with the same rights as heterosexual couples.

This rocks my queer socks! Hooray for love, equality, and Connecticut gay folks! Yay for CT Supreme Court! Social Justice-flavored ice cream for everyone!

...Read about it here, here, and here. Oh, and here's an actual article.
h/t Cara

Non-Depressing Linky Goodness

BRAVE: What To Expect When You're Aborting. Want to know what it's like? Unapologetic, real, and an eye-opener. Go see if you haven't yet. And yes. Yes, this adorable illustration is exactly what it's like.

AWESOME: Bitch magazine has been saved! I'm a bitch, you're a bitch, etc. This is definitely good news.

QUEER PSA: The best "Vote No on 8" ad I've seen. I want them to air this on TV. It has been noted that it's kinda lacking in POC's, but other than that it's awesome.
h/t Alas, a blog

FEMINIST PSA: It's pretty good. Disappointing that we need one, but something to point your coworkers/friends to if they need something illustrative.
h/t The Feminist Underground

BEST RANT OF THE WEEK: Essin' Em lets loose on guys who get in our personal space. This is a big thing of mine, so it's nice to see it addressed! That kinda made my day, and I had to include it at the last minute.

BLOG ENDORSEMENT OF THE WEEK: Natalia Antonova, a blog that deals with feminism, Eastern European and Middle-Eastern politics, and occasionally, stuff. Her What About The Menz? post was pointed and nasty- which of course I love.

OLD-SCHOOL: The Politics of Housework, an essay written in 1970 that still applies today. Which is, um, pretty sad. If you haven't read this, it's highly recommended reading.

FEMME-TASTIC: I can't be all serious, can I? Go to AfterEllen.com and see the 15 Hottest Butches of all time.

So that's it for now. An interesting mix, I hope?
Feel free to leave links in the comments.

Happy Bi Pride Day!

I almost missed it! ...but I'm happy I didn't. As a bisexual, I catch a lot of shit from both gays and straights because, well, all sorts of things. But I love being bi, and I'm happy with who I am. If you're bi, I hope you are too.

So those of you who consider yourselves attracted to both men and women, either simultaneously or one-at-a-time, be proud today!

I don't know if there's a pansexual pride day, but if there isn't, I invite pansexuals to join in with us today-inclusiveness for all! 

Happy Bisexual Pride Day, y'all!

H/T to Queers United

Hey, Femme Girls. Over Here!

I found something that makes me happy. Over at the Femme's Guide to Everything, there's this fabulous post by Essin' Em, who I love, about butch/femme symbolism and how butches used to tattoo blue stars on their wrists back in the day, as a secret sign of queer butch-ness. 

Welllll, it was pointed out that femmes don't really have a sign that we can point to as "ours". Em suggested the spiral, for the reasons she lists:

"...it’s a basic concept, that can be changed and altered to fit the personality of each Femme getting it tattooed.  It’s pretty (I *am* a Femme!). It’s a simple concept, but also slightly complicated (more than a circle, or a triangle, or _____). Just like Femmes; we’re a simple idea, but with a lot more depth and complicatedness behind our hottness.

I'm totally behind this. I think it's awesome that the Femmes could have a sign of our own, especially since so many of us get mistaken for straight girls. It's a way to communicate, to proclaim, to be noticed. And a spiral is a very cool symbol, linked to all kinds of religions and cultures; I believe some even use it as a sign of Goddess. 

Anyway, I'm posting this because I'd like to get more femmes behind this symbol. I'd like it to become known in the LGBTQ community, a symbol as recognized as a pink triangle or a rainbow flag. If I get this tattooed on my so-far ink-free body, I want people to know what it means, know what I am. I'm proud of it, and I want it known.

So pass this around, if it takes your fancy. This is a way to help end femme invisibility, if you're into that. Let's make it- and us- recognized.

Femme By Default

So as I'm wandering the blogosphere, avoiding the job search, I come across this post by Sinclair and then SublimeFemme's response to it. Both, at the end, ask about us, as femmes. What are our femme markers, and along the same lines, how do we define them? Do we define them in relation to butch? How do we define femme for ourselves, and in what ways do our bodies or sexuality shape that femme-ness?

All very good questions, to be sure. And then I had a moment wherein I realized: I have no fucking clue. I have no fucking clue and it's driving me up the wall. How do I define my femme self? What about me makes me femme? It should be an easy question to answer, because I'm like Princess Psychoanalystica, especially when it comes to the workings of my own twisted brain. Yes, I do find myself that fascinating and I know it's narcissistic, thanks very much.

Every time I try to think about it, I shy away. I try to treat it like my partner treats butch: "This is what I am. If people don't like it they can fuck off. That's all there is to it." (Yes, that's a direct quote. I love my Ferret.) The thing is, that's how she handles almost everything; introspective she's not, as a rule. And I can't work that way. I have to think about everything, take it down to its component parts, analyze it, toss out a couple extra springs, and then reassemble it all before I'm satisfied. When I have an opinion, make a major decision, or claim a new 'label' for myself, this is what I do. 

But I didn't do that when I claimed 'femme'. I just kind of thought, "Okay, this is my partner, who's undeniably butch. I'm not a butch, or not as much as she, and I seem to have all the femme markers (which at that point to me were: long hair, acknowledgement of boobs, girly undies, and the willingness to wear a skirt sometimes). Femme it is!" I applied Sinclair's Dress-Up Test to the dynamic and called it good. Keep in mind, this was several years ago. I'd just been introduced to the idea of butch/femme. 

Shortly after this, Ferret and I split up, to go our seperate ways. We would not be lovers for a good four years. For two of those years, we wouldn't even speak to each other. Obviously, we reconciled our differences and now you couldn't part the two of us without a really big crowbar. Uh, metaphorically.

So now we've been together for some time. I've not been in any butch/femme relationships in that time. In fact, I tended to be slightly 'butch-er' when I was with another woman, and I wasn't all "high heels and low cleavage" with a guy. I've become "femme-by-default", and I don't know 

just what i consider my markers to be, or how I define myself as femme, other than in relation to my very butch Ferret.

Which disturbs me. I want to be femme on my own, not just because I'm with someone who needs me to be, so we balance out. It doesn't bother me to be the femme, I don't think. I just have to know I have my own reasons for doing it. So now I have to figure out what they are.

I need to identify my femme-ness and work out my issues with being one of them (you? us?).

Sadly, this post feels like "exploring my angst", and not so much about "coming to productive conclusions". Oh well, maybe that'll come later.

PS: I'm working on a post about women and symbolism. Check it out when it goes up (sometime soon!); it'll either be really cool and possibly a little original, or it'll be some half-baked random crap! It's a mystery!